The message arrives while you are standing at the sink. Could you possibly cover for me on Saturday? Before you have finished reading it, your thumbs have already replied: Of course, no problem at all. A smiling face follows, just to be safe.
Then the tap keeps running and something quieter arrives. A tightness behind your ribs. A flash of resentment you would never say aloud. A memory of what Saturday was supposed to be, and the familiar, weary thought: why did I do that again? You promise yourself that next time will be different. Next time comes, and your yes is out before you have checked in with yourself.
If any of this sounds familiar, it may be a relief to know that it is not a character flaw, and it is not simply being too nice. Many people describe this pattern, and psychologists have a name for one way of understanding it: the fawn response.
The fawn response describes an automatic pattern of pleasing, appeasing or placating other people in order to avoid conflict, rejection or danger [1]. You may already know the more familiar survival responses: fight, flight and freeze. Fawning is sometimes described as a fourth, in which a person moves towards the source of threat and tries to keep it calm through agreement, charm or self-sacrifice. In the research literature, a closely related idea is called appeasement [1, 2].
One way to hold the idea is this. Fight says, I will defend myself. Flight says, I will get away. Freeze says, I will go still. Fawn says, I will become what you need so that you will not hurt me.
It is important to be clear about what the fawn response is not. It is not a formal diagnosis in the ICD-11 or the DSM-5-TR, and it is not a personality flaw [3, 4]. It is a descriptive idea that many clinicians and researchers find useful, and the research behind it is still developing. Authors have also debated how the term should be defined and where it came from [1, 2].
People often describe developing this pattern in situations where they could not safely argue back or leave, where their wellbeing seemed to depend on managing another person's mood, where approval felt conditional on being helpful, or where conflict felt dangerous or unpredictable. For many people the pattern has early roots, although it can also appear later in life, for example in relationships or workplaces where disagreement does not feel safe.
Looking at the wider picture can make the pattern feel less personal. A national study of more than 15,000 Australian adults found that up to 42 per cent had been exposed to at least one potentially traumatic event before the age of 18 [5]. Childhood exposure was associated with higher odds of having a lifetime mental disorder in adulthood (adjusted odds ratio 1.51) [5].
Many people who live through difficult experiences do not develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare (AIHW) reports that an estimated 11 per cent of Australians experience PTSD in their lifetime, with women at almost twice the risk of men (14 per cent and 8 per cent) [6]. More broadly, around 1 in 5 Australians aged 16 to 85 (22 per cent) had experienced a mental disorder in the previous 12 months [7]
Difficult early experiences can also shape how safe it feels to disagree, to have needs or to be seen, which is one reason researchers are interested in people-pleasing. A 2025 study of students that used the Chinese People-Pleasing Questionnaire found that higher people-pleasing was associated with lower wellbeing [8]. Findings from one cultural setting may not apply to everyone, and an association does not show cause and effect.
People who fawn often describe a cluster of experiences that tend to appear together:
Some authors link these patterns to the way the autonomic nervous system responds to threat, drawing on polyvagal theory [9]. It is worth knowing that polyvagal theory is debated, and some researchers argue that its core claims are not well supported by physiological evidence [10]. For that reason, this article describes what people experience rather than claiming to know exactly what happens in the body. Many people find that habits repeated over many years can feel automatic, and when a person fears conflict, saying no may bring up anxiety, guilt or dread very quickly. That may help to explain why simply trying harder to set boundaries often does not work.
Fawning can be hard to spot because it often looks like kindness. One useful question is not what you did, but what it felt like to do it. Genuine generosity usually comes with choice and warmth. Fawning tends to come with urgency, dread or a sense of having no real option
These signs are descriptive, not diagnostic. Everyone says yes when they would rather not from time to time, and a pattern that appears in only one part of life may carry little meaning on its own. If your inner world feels like a tug of war between your needs and your fear of letting people down, our blog The Argument That Happens Entirely Inside Your Own Head explores that experience through Internal Family Systems therapy.
Because fawning is not a formal diagnosis, a careful assessment matters. Several other explanations can look similar, and more than one can be present at the same time:
Research cannot yet tell us exactly how often or how strongly chronic fawning affects health, but people commonly describe the following.
If you have tried to just say no and found it nearly impossible, you are not alone. When a pattern is tied to a fear of conflict or rejection, the body may react with anxiety, guilt or tension before the thinking mind has caught up. This is not weakness. It is a protective habit doing what it learned to do.
Shame can then keep the cycle going. Many people think things like: Why can I not just be normal? Other people manage to say no, so what is wrong with me? Compassion Focused Therapy proposes that shame and self-criticism activate the body's threat system, which makes calm, steady boundary-setting harder [12]. In this model, the cycle often looks like this: tension appears, you scan the other person, you say yes automatically, you feel brief relief, then resentment, exhaustion and shame build quietly, and the next moment of tension arrives.
There is currently no therapy tested specifically for the fawn response itself, so no approach can be said to treat it directly. The research does offer evidence for approaches that address difficulties often linked with it, such as early adversity, self-criticism, emotion regulation and values. Your psychologist can talk with you about which approach, or combination of approaches, may suit your goals.
Schema Therapy explores long-standing patterns that began in unmet childhood needs, such as the Self-Sacrifice, Subjugation and Approval-Seeking schemas, and modes such as the Compliant Surrenderer. It uses experiential methods such as imagery rescripting to strengthen a Healthy Adult mode. Our blog The Wounded Child, the Inner Critic, and the Healthy Adult describes the modes in detail.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy views a fawning pattern as a protective part that is trying to keep you safe from rejection or conflict. Therapy involves getting to know that part and gently approaching the younger, more vulnerable parts it protects. A 2025 scoping review described the evidence as promising but limited, with only two randomised controlled trials [14], so IFS is generally discussed alongside better-researched approaches rather than as a stand-alone first-line treatment.
Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) targets shame and self-criticism, using practices that build self-compassion so that you can respond to your own needs with warmth. A 2023 systematic review and meta-analysis found improvements in self-compassion among people in clinical populations [12], although it did not test people-pleasing. Our blog The Spill You Cannot Stop Replaying explores the inner critic in more depth.
DBT teaches interpersonal effectiveness (asking for what you need and saying no while protecting a relationship), emotion regulation, distress tolerance and mindfulness. In a randomised trial of 193 women with PTSD after childhood abuse, DBT for PTSD and cognitive processing therapy were both associated with large reductions in PTSD symptoms [15]. That trial tested a specific trauma protocol, not general skills training or fawning. You can read more in How DBT Skills Help You Steady Yourself, and our group therapy programmes include a DBT skills group (please ask about current availability).
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) builds psychological flexibility: noticing the urge to please without acting on it automatically, clarifying what matters to you and taking small, values-led steps even when it feels uncomfortable. A review of meta-analyses found ACT effective across a range of conditions, including anxiety and depression [16]. Our blog When You Are Exhausted by Your Own Thoughts shows how ACT can help with inner struggles.
If intrusive memories or nightmares are also present, trauma-focused approaches such as EMDR therapy may be considered (see When Trauma Gets Stuck). Your psychologist may also draw on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, mindfulness-based therapy or Interpersonal Therapy, and our pages on assertive communication and emotion regulation describe skills that can be learned.
These ideas are general suggestions, not a treatment plan, and they will not suit everyone.
Consider speaking with a GP or psychologist if people-pleasing is causing you significant distress, affecting your relationships or work, or occurring alongside persistent anxiety, low mood, exhaustion or trauma symptoms. Our blog How Do You Know When It Is Time to Talk to Your GP About Your Mental Health? may help you decide. If you are looking for a psychologist in Hobart, or a telehealth psychologist elsewhere in Australia, a psychologist can listen to your story, consider the explanations above and work with you on a plan. Many people find that patterns like these can change with support, although experiences and timeframes differ and outcomes cannot be guaranteed.
Is people-pleasing the same as the fawn response?
Not always. People-pleasing describes a behaviour, while the fawn response is one way of understanding why that behaviour can feel automatic and driven by fear. Some people are agreeable by temperament, or value harmony because of their culture or family, and that is not a problem in itself. When pleasing feels automatic, is driven by fear of rejection or conflict, and costs you more than you would like, it may be worth exploring with a psychologist.
Can the fawn response cause anxiety and depression?
Research shows that higher people-pleasing is associated with lower wellbeing [8], and that childhood adversity is associated with higher odds of mental disorders [5]. These studies show associations, not cause and effect. Many people notice that chronic accommodation goes together with anxiety, low mood and exhaustion, and a psychologist can help you explore what is contributing.
How do I stop fawning?
There is no quick fix, and it is not a matter of willpower. Many people find it helps to build awareness of the pattern, practise small boundaries in safer relationships, develop self-compassion and work with a psychologist on the experiences underneath it. No therapy has yet been tested for the fawn response itself.
Do I need therapy for the fawn response?
Not everyone does. Therapy may be worth considering if people-pleasing is causing you significant distress, interfering with your relationships, or accompanied by anxiety, low mood or burnout. At Chrysalis Psychology & Wellbeing, we offer individual therapy face to face in Battery Point, Hobart, and telehealth psychology across Australia.
Can I use Medicare to see a psychologist about people-pleasing?
Medicare Better Access provides rebates for up to 10 individual psychology sessions per calendar year, accessed through a GP, psychiatrist or paediatrician, with a Mental Health Treatment Plan [17]. NDIS, DVA, Open Arms, National Redress Scheme, WorkCover and private health insurance options may also apply, and you can self-refer to book without a GP referral.
You do not have to spend your life managing everyone else's emotions while your own needs go unheard. At Chrysalis Psychology & Wellbeing in Battery Point, Hobart, our psychologists offer evidence-informed approaches to trauma-related difficulties, including Schema Therapy, IFS, CFT, DBT and ACT. We are a short distance from the Hobart CBD, and you can read about our team before you decide.
We offer:
To book an appointment, call (03) 6263 6319, email info@chrysalispsychwell.com.au, or visit our contact page.
Learning to say no is not about becoming selfish or uncaring. It is about being able to care for others by choice rather than from fear, and discovering that your needs matter too.
[1] Bailey, R., Dugard, J., Smith, S. F., and Porges, S. W. (2023). Appeasement: replacing Stockholm syndrome as a definition of a survival strategy. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 14(1), 2161038. https://doi.org/10.1080/20008066.2022.2161038
[2] Schlote, S. (2023). History of the term ‘appeasement’: a response to Bailey et al. (2023). European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 14(2), 2183005. https://doi.org/10.1080/20008066.2023.2183005
[3] World Health Organization. (2022). International classification of diseases, 11th revision (ICD-11): 6B41 Complex post-traumatic stress disorder. World Health Organization. https://icd.who.int
[4] American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text revision). American Psychiatric Publishing.
[5] Barrett, E. L., Grummitt, L., Jones, S., Rowlinson, K., Vasilopoulos, F., Teesson, M., Mills, K. L., and Sunderland, M. (2025). The prevalence of potentially traumatic events in childhood and associations with mental disorders, suicide and physical health in adulthood: an Australian nationally representative cross-sectional study. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, 60(1), 80-90. https://doi.org/10.1177/00048674251381004
[6] Australian Institute of Health and Welfare. (2026). Stress and trauma. AIHW, Australian Government (accessed 17 October 2026). https://www.aihw.gov.au/reports/mental-health/stress-and-trauma
[7] Australian Institute of Health and Welfare. (2026). Australia’s health 2026: key findings. AIHW, Australian Government (accessed 17 October 2026). https://www.aihw.gov.au/reports/australias-health/australias-health-2026/contents/key-findings
[8] Kuang, X., Li, H., Luo, W., Zhu, J., and Ren, F. (2025). The mental health implications of people-pleasing: psychometric properties and latent profiles of the Chinese People-Pleasing Questionnaire. PsyCh Journal, 14(4), 500-512. https://doi.org/10.1002/pchj.70016
[9] Porges, S. W. (2022). Polyvagal theory: a science of safety. Frontiers in Integrative Neuroscience, 16, 871227. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnint.2022.871227
[10] Grossman, P. (2023). Fundamental challenges and likely refutations of the five basic premises of the polyvagal theory. Biological Psychology, 180, 108589. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.biopsycho.2023.108589
[11] Hull, L., Petrides, K. V., Allison, C., Smith, P., Baron-Cohen, S., Lai, M.-C., and Mandy, W. (2017). “Putting on my best normal”: social camouflaging in adults with autism spectrum conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), 2519-2534. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3166-5
[12] Millard, L. A., Wan, M. W., Smith, D. M., and Wittkowski, A. (2023). The effectiveness of compassion focused therapy with clinical populations: a systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Affective Disorders, 326, 168-192. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2023.01.010
[13] Bamelis, L. L. M., Evers, S. M. A. A., Spinhoven, P., and Arntz, A. (2014). Results of a multicenter randomized controlled trial of the clinical effectiveness of schema therapy for personality disorders. American Journal of Psychiatry, 171(3), 305-322. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2013.12040518
[14] Buys, M. E. (2025). Exploring the evidence for Internal Family Systems therapy: a scoping review of current research, gaps, and future directions. Clinical Psychologist, 29(3), 241-260. https://doi.org/10.1080/13284207.2025.2533127
[15] Bohus, M., Kleindienst, N., Hahn, C., Müller-Engelmann, M., Ludäscher, P., Steil, R., Fydrich, T., Kuehner, C., Resick, P. A., Stiglmayr, C., Schmahl, C., and Priebe, K. (2020). Dialectical behavior therapy for posttraumatic stress disorder (DBT-PTSD) compared with cognitive processing therapy (CPT) in complex presentations of PTSD in women survivors of childhood abuse: a randomized clinical trial. JAMA Psychiatry, 77(12). https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2020.2148
[16] Gloster, A. T., Walder, N., Levin, M. E., Twohig, M. P., and Karekla, M. (2020). The empirical status of acceptance and commitment therapy: a review of meta-analyses. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 18, 181-192. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jcbs.2020.09.009
[17] Australian Government Department of Health, Disability and Ageing. (2026). Better Access initiative. Australian Government (accessed 17 October 2026). https://www.health.gov.au/our-work/better-access-initiative
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